Monday 21 January 2019

Home is where the heart is

I learned a new word recently. I am a writer and so I love words, sometimes almost more than people. Words help to make sense of my innermost feelings. The blank page listens when there's no-one else around. Generally speaking, words don't let me down.

I love the precision of language, the way that, as a writer, if I choose the right words I can convey the exact sensation of feathers on skin, or sunlight over the ocean. Less is more, we say. Why use ten words when one will do? 

The English language is vast and intricate and yet still, sometimes, we say 'there are no words'. In grief, I've learned that sometimes this is the best thing to say. Less is more. There are no words of comfort adequate for something as big as the disappearance of a parent or a lover or a child. 'Grief' is not big enough. 'Loss' is not strong enough. 'Sadness' only goes so far.

And sometimes we have to look to another language for the word we need. The Eskimos, some say, have fifty words for snow. The Americans, allegedly, have fifteen words for sandwich. The Greeks, we're told, had six words for love. And the Welsh? The Welsh have one word which, for me, sums up the pervasive, eternal experience of profound loss. Hiraeth. A word which has no precise translation but a word which means a longing for a place to which we cannot return, a yearning for home.

And yet I am home. I am sitting here in my favourite chair by the fire in the house that I share with my two children, my family. I live in Sheffield. I've pretty much always lived in Sheffield. If you ask me where my home is, I don't have to falter. It is here, nestled amongst the green parks and trees, at the confluence of rivers that fed the steel industry, between the seven hills. It is here that I belong. In truth, I'm not sure that I'd live anywhere else. Maybe for love. Only for love. And yet, for the last three years, I've been homesick, filled every day with longing, desperate to return to something, somewhere, to a place that had no name. Hiraeth.

For me, that place is the place where parents and grandparents congregated around Christmas trees and days when my mother's voice was just at the end of the phone. It is the time when I had someone to love who really loved me. Before he died. Before she died. Before anyone died. The place that I long to return to is a place of innocence. It is a place where, sometimes, it could feel that everything was ok. It is a place of completeness, wholeness. It was a time when nothing really awful had yet happened and when I couldn't imagine how awful things could get.

These days I try to live in the moment. I work hard to count my blessings. I focus on the sensation of feathers on skin, of sunlight on the ocean. I strive to find the beauty in the little things, to cherish what remains. But the longing will never leave me. And every time I love someone, it is tinged with the knowledge of the loss that will come. And every time I lose someone, I fall deep down into a well of pre-existing sadness. And I know that it will always be here. This sadness. This longing. This yearning for a place to which I cannot return. At least I have a word for it. And I love words, sometimes more than people. Hiraeth.

19 comments:

  1. Hiraeth. A word that I write straight into my journal - understanding completely - and my journal keeps my life and my words and that number 1254... today - since the justice and the fairness of ordinary life (and innocence) departed.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wonderful article. Fascinating to read. I love to read such an excellent article. Thanks! It has made my task more and extra easy. Keep rocking. voyance par telephone

    ReplyDelete
  3. I haven’t any word to appreciate this post.....Really i am impressed from this post....the person who create this post it was a great human..thanks for shared this with us. Aufstellbecken

    ReplyDelete
  4. If more people that write articles really concerned themselves with writing great content like you, more readers would be interested in their writings. Thank you for caring about your content. https://europa-road.eu/hu/nehezgep-szallitas-debrecen.php

    ReplyDelete
  5. "I don't get it - I'm attractive, bright, Smart, tender, sensitive and accomplished. How come he or she never want me? Why can't I find love?" How many times have you take your frustration out on your pillow and beat your fists on the pillow asking yourself this same question? Love Compliments

    ReplyDelete
  6. I found your story by accident (there are no accidents!) through a Google search.

    I am deeply moved, though I have only vaguely experienced such things with friends who have passed.

    Thank you for sharing the beauty and the pain. It is a honor to take in your words, you journey...

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thankyou for taking the time to write this it was a great read. Good job! 먹튀폴리스주소

    ReplyDelete
  8. That you are allowed to write-up bands, but is not inbound links, except there're okayed in addition to with subject matter. 슈어벳

    ReplyDelete
  9. "Thanks for your personal marvelous posting! I genuinely
    enjoyed reading it, you could be a great author.
    I will be sure to bookmark your blog and may come back someday." 안전놀이터추천

    ReplyDelete
  10. "Wow! After all I got a web site from where I know how to truly take
    valuable information concerning my study and knowledge." 토토사이트가입

    ReplyDelete
  11. "Way cool! Some very valid points! I appreciate you writing this article and also the rest of the
    site is really good." 안전놀이터모음

    ReplyDelete
  12. Thank you for helping people get the information they need. Great stuff as usual. Keep up the great work!!! windshield replacement san diego

    ReplyDelete
  13. thank you for your interesting infomation 먹튀검증

    ReplyDelete
  14. Very good written article. It will be supportive to anyone who utilizes it, including me. Keep doing what you are doing – can’r wait to read more posts. EBWaite

    ReplyDelete
  15. I really appreciate the kind of topics you post here. Thanks for sharing us a great information that is actually helpful. 메이저놀이터

    ReplyDelete
  16. I want to start a blog to write about everything that happens at school and
    with friends…anonymously…any sugestions?.무료야동

    ReplyDelete
  17. Personally I think overjoyed I discovered the blogs. 파워볼사이트

    ReplyDelete
  18. try to do the thing on which your heart is satisfied then you will get the real happiness which will be joyful , https://inspiringlovequotes.org/

    ReplyDelete
  19. There is a great herbal man called Dr voodoo who can cure Hepatitis B virus and other deadly diseases with the use of natural herbs to cure Hepatitis B virus problems. He is from Africa and he is a great doctor and he can also cure you as well if you are have the problem And other deadly disease and here is email address voodoospelltemple66@gmail.com or Whatsapp +2348140120719 HERPES CURE,CANCER CURE,HIV/AIDS CURE,HPV CURE

    ReplyDelete