Paul's reflections after our poking making. Found in his notebook after his death.
A day with Beverley Ward - Wednesday 26th August
After a brief meeting with Ed and co, I met B after an interval of some years. The last time I met her was at a Free Radicals gig......small world! Anyway, we spoke, chatted, she offered to give me a lift to my house (we were in Baslow at the time). It was dark, she dropped me off. I said perhaps you would like to come and have a go at something. A date was arranged.
Fast forward, she arrives. I am strangely smitten with this intelligent, proudly beautiful woman who has undergone many emotional trials - bad husbands, poorly son, difficult father. We have a fun day. We make a poker. We talk a lot. We have much to say. She has brought some homemade flapjack - very healthy and delicious.
The day draws to an end but there is a brief moment, I think a possibility of something more. It passes. Nothing has happened.
Later we embrace. I am restrained in my hug. I am not fully open. She leaves.
Afterwards I ponder on the feelings I have and recall what was said, her behaviour and begin to analyse it all. Perhaps a mistake! My first thoughts are how I yearn for her completely, physically and emotionally but as my assessment of the situation becomes ever more forensic I realise she is out of my league and I am seized with a deadening emotion. I feel paralysed, weakened by the realisation IT CAN NEVER BE.
Next day is work. I am out of sorts. I realise I must turn the situation around and just think of it all as one lovely day with a lovely woman.