Paul's reflections after our poking making. Found in his notebook after his death.
A day with Beverley Ward - Wednesday 26th August
After a brief
meeting with Ed and co, I met B after an interval of some years. The last time
I met her was at a Free Radicals gig......small world! Anyway, we spoke,
chatted, she offered to give me a lift to my house (we were in Baslow at the
time). It was dark, she dropped me off. I said perhaps you would like to come
and have a go at something. A date was arranged.
Fast forward, she
arrives. I am strangely smitten with this intelligent, proudly beautiful woman
who has undergone many emotional trials - bad husbands, poorly son, difficult
father. We have a fun day. We make a poker. We talk a lot. We have much to say.
She has brought some homemade flapjack - very healthy and delicious.
The day draws to an
end but there is a brief moment, I think a possibility of something more. It
passes. Nothing has happened.
Later we embrace. I
am restrained in my hug. I am not fully open. She leaves.
Afterwards I ponder
on the feelings I have and recall what was said, her behaviour and begin to
analyse it all. Perhaps a mistake! My first thoughts are how I yearn for her
completely, physically and emotionally but as my assessment of the situation
becomes ever more forensic I realise she is out of my league and I am seized
with a deadening emotion. I feel paralysed, weakened by the realisation IT CAN
NEVER BE.
Next day is work. I
am out of sorts. I realise I must turn the situation around and just think of
it all as one lovely day with a lovely woman.
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